The Agony of Shopping for a B.

by Joan Houghton

When a woman of a certain age  and a certain size goes shopping for an “unmentionable” piece of lingerie, there will be agony  in the air.  She must cope with the tiny dressing room, the modesty she feels, the ever-attentive sales lady, and a multitude of styles, shapes, and sizes.   Then  there is  the privacy angle or “lack of”.

In the first place, do you want an underwire or not                  (heavens no!).

Do you like a wide strap?(yes)

How about padding? (heavens no again!).

Would a minimizer  be a good idea? (yes)

Then there is the size……OH, the size….The offerings are 30 AAA on up to 50                  DDD or something like that.

Then there is nylon, cotton, rayon, popular spandex and many others.

The colors can range from white to apricot to blush to red or black.

Stretchiness or comfort are never mentioned or not available.

Do you like smoothness or perkiness?

Then out comes the tape measure….oh, “Land of mercy, get me out of here!”

After much discussion, sales lady Ruby and she have formed a  partnership  and practically signed a bond of secrecy and friendship,  kinship, and trust.   It  is time to get down to the business at hand.  This involves her running back and forth presenting different possibilities.  Then horrors, the very modest customer has to strip bare.  There is also a certain amount of pushing and prodding, all the while keeping up a very off-hand conversation about the weather or inflation (financial, not size) or  families.   After so long a period at this tedious endeavor, they have actually become close friends.  Ruby suggests that perhaps  there is a difference between two sides.   (Oh, what does that mean?  What then?  Silence prevails).

Both the customer  and sales lady must remain calm and patient throughout  this procedure even though  the customer is beginning to be tired  and discouraged, and  Ruby is thinking that this  drama is going to go on forever with nary a sale.  By now, the customer has decided that these torture devices must have been invented by men who do not have a clue about a woman’s need for comfort, instead of a straitjacket.

All ends well, with a  purchase being made.  Ruby gives a big sigh of relief and the woman  heads home, thankful this chore is over .  It was agony , for sure,  with absolutely no ecstasy involved.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Michelle
    Apr 26, 2011 @ 06:37:48

    When Jeff read this out loud to me I couldn’t stop giggling. Great writing, Joan. keep it up! So glad you have a place to post your musings!!


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